Wagner, we hardly knew ye

Why, viewers? Why? The day every right-thinking human being has dreaded for weeks has finally come to pass, and it’s all your fault. Shorn of the votes he needed to squeak over the line, Wagner, the lion-haired love god himself, has finally left the building. Worst of all, leaks from inside X-factor’s production company suggest that he just failed to beat out the awful One Direction, a group described by that mastermind of accidental satire, Louis Walsh, as ‘a bunch of little Justin Biebers’.

From the moment at the judge’s houses stage that he serenaded Sharon and Louis with a rousing rendition of ‘You got the Lobe’, causing even the permanently frozen-faced Sharon Osbourne to gape in astonished adoration, the boggle-eyed Brazilian bongo fan has become something of a national treasure. He quickly consolidated that with a string of performances so adorably awful that the nation grasped him to their ironic, piss-taking bosom. Not since that bloke who used to be on the news decided to have a bit of a dance have we as a people decided that we loved someone so unconditionally that we would prolong their continued embarrassment on a national stage. Awww.

Yes, with his twinkly-eyed brand of bitter ranting, casual misogyny, and alleged benefit fraud, Wagner charmed the entire country, holding up a mirror to a people who liked what they saw. So what does the future hold for Wagner Fiuza-Carrilho, still a sprightly 54 years of age, and currently surfing on a wave of misguided public adoration? Here are a few possibilities.

1. Wagner goes into investment banking
Odd, maybe. But once you’ve been a lion tamer, karate instructor, PE teacher and national entertainer, there’s little else you can do to replace that thrill without gambling on the international markets with the contents of people’s current accounts.

2. Wagner Sings at the Royal Wedding
It might sound odd, but think about it! With republican sentiment at an all-time high due to the huge cost of William and Kate’s wedding, what better way for the royals to ingratiate themselves with the lower classes than to get this popular singer chap at their wedding? Dynamite. And what better soundtrack for their first gentle sashay onto the floor for their first dance than Wagner’s awesome rendition of Bat out of Hell? They’re a match made in heaven.

3. Wagner becomes the first entertainer in space
As Wagner’s hypnotically wobbly features fill every TV in the land, the economy falters as people stay in night after night to watch his new variety show. Faced with no other choice, the coalition government decide to fire him from a cannon. Nick Clegg is heard to say: “Look, we all like Wagner. But government is about hard choices. Did I come into government to fire Wagner into space? No. But faced with the economic mess and lack of space-based performers we were left with by the previous government, we really had no choice.”

4. Wagner goes gracefully into dignified retirement, and is never seen again.
Unlikely.